Good Grief

Good Grief!

by Donni Hakanson

Nothing can happen out of order or by chance. Yet the Grim Reaper strikes his scythe in ways seemingly haphazard, cutting down the young and old, justly and unjustly. The living are left to cope with only memories of the departed, a once physical reality gone.

Bereavement of a loved one is one of the most difficult, intense and painful of emotions to experience. It is one in which the survivor generally handles alone, a social outcast in their community. In today's so called open and enlightened society, death is still a taboo topic, something that happens to someone else or is read about in the daily papers. No-one wants to think about it, and until confronted with it, it rarely enters our minds. Another's grief is another's business, who wants to willingly face mortality?

It has been twelve months since my dearly loved friend Pete died, he was almost 22. Six weeks later the coroner's (final) report cited murder. Eight months later, the report released a second final report, and cited death by own hands. In this short time I have learnt a lot about grief. One cannot rationalize the death of someone so young - when my grandmother died a friend was about to give birth. This made sense. But how do you cope with the seemingly senseless death of someone with their whole life ahead of them? Murder, accident, suicide and disease - death by unnatural causes - adds more stress to the emotional burden carried.

I feel like I've been to Hell and back, yet I've had some glimpses of Heaven too. Perhaps by sharing my experiences with you an understanding will grow of how to cope with death and the grieving.

Today the doctor tells you it will take between six months to three years to get over it and prescribes a sedative to settle your stomach. You quickly realize your friends aren't interested in your intense feelings, you're basically in this by yourself or if you're `lucky,' with others who have suffered the loss too. This sense of isolation is very difficult to cope with. There are no longer social rituals for mourning. It is no longer the norm to openly grieve for any longer than a few weeks. Can you imagine what suppressed grief can do?

Initially the death of a loved one brings a numb shock. Depending upon the closeness of the relationship, cause of death and other factors, physical symptoms can result - nausea, chest pains, giddiness, heart palpitations, insomnia, nightmares, loss of appetite, stomach cramps, even vomiting. Pete's mother empathically experienced sensations similar to those he would have felt dying, although at the time cause of death was unknown. The traditional wearing of black can protect from this overwhelming input and acts as a psychic shield, on a metaphysical level. Purple also acts in this way and is an appropriate mourning colour. Wearing or carrying amethyst or smokey quartz is another way of utilizing the traditional spiritual properties of these colours.

The funeral seems to finalize it all, and gives the nightmare reality. Acceptance and closure of some sort is inevitable. In cases of death being unnatural or the cause unknown, the funeral can be a week or more after the passing which can leave one in a state of unresolved limbo. An opportunity in disguise, the funeral involves confronting the loss and saying those last good-byes. Death wounds the heart chakra, the centre for giving and receiving love. As a step in the healing process, bidding farewell initiates an acceptance of the loss and releases blockages regarding the permanent nature of death. `Letting go' of the loved one enables you to let go so you can begin to deal with the other personal reactions the loss has caused.

A variety of feelings have had to be dealt with, each one surfacing more pain when faced and expressed; yet release comes too with confrontation. It IS quite normal to experience guilt, depression and rage. Emotions are fine even optimistic…. then something triggers you - a song on the radio or perhaps a memento - and down you crash again.

Guilt rears it's ugly head and says "Why wasn't I there? Why didn't I show I cared more often?" Guilt is a result of thinking you had some control over the situation, a sense you could have, somehow, changed the outcome. By consciously realizing you had no control, guilt can be released. Accepting that perhaps the very best hadn't been done or wasn't possible can strengthen your sense of integrity and can help you to function with more love and awareness.

Meditation can be helpful when dealing with issues such as these. In a quiet space, create a location where you can be with your loved one in your mind/heart (perhaps a place you visited together). Say what you need to say – death does not always give us the opportunity to say what we leave unsaid until too late – but still, be with your feelings and your loved one in this space and release it…. Your subconscious mind takes imagination as real as life itself, and you will catalyze changes in your awareness that can lead to deep healing.

Depression and apathy says "Why bother, life is meaningless anyway. In the end, I'll be dead too..." In cases of murder or suicide, and sudden, unexpected death, it is all too easy to get caught up in depression, self-guilt and hatred.

Before I heard the coroner's first report, I briefly entertained the thought Pete could've done it himself. I felt dismayed and heavy at heart about this; yet I knew I didn't have the courage to kill myself which is how I felt as I came to terms with his death! I understood the desire for death yet had lacked the courage. How could I respect Pete any less? Suicide of a loved one directs the blame for cause of death onto yourself and perhaps even other family members or friends. The question of `why?' has a silent finish - `didn't I...' or ‘didn’t you…?’

However, in the first report the coroner specifically ruled out suicide. Murder is horrifying and senseless. With this report, a lot of anger and hatred surfaced. Who did it? Why? Why aren't they caught? Why isn't anything being done about it? - lots of people to blame for my loss and my grief and stir up resentment and bitterness. It also put the focus of blame onto someone else, and I hated them with an even stronger vengeance then I did myself when the cause of death was suicide.

Then to discover months later death WAS caused by own hands plunged me into another dark despair. This report was like losing Pete all over again. I didn't realize just how much I had repressed and hidden from view until the second final coroner's report. To not know whether it was premeditated or accidental (or even how it actually happened) was a very hard concept to deal with. The way a loved one dies has an impact of it's own and seems to be a part of the grieving process. Not knowing was frustrating, perhaps moreso than during the weeks before the first report was released.

A `chance' meeting with a clairvoyant helped resolve this. I realized it theoretically didn't matter how Pete died, the means to the end are irrelevant and cannot alter the outcome. This meeting also reinforced my belief I could sense his presence. He has “turned up” in other readings and chance events – I still know he is around, sometimes!

Rage says "Why did you leave me? I'll get my revenge somehow; I'll strike out at the police, the coroner, God too!" I accept rage as natural - of course I'm angry but deep down I know the anger is not only directed at “the authorities” but also at Pete for leaving me – even though he didn’t “choose” to go! It's anger at me for not coping, for not handling it. Knowing there is life after death this anger loses it's potency because death has less power, and separation is not such a big space after all. Lifting the veils between the two worlds is one of the most incredible things I experienced through this dark episode of my life!

"As life expressing itself, we cannot lack consciousness, ever. As consciousness alters, perception alters as the soul transmutes it's form, like gold through the smelter. Everything we experience ultimately leads us to the light, brings us closer to true perfection. Hence there is a reason for everything, a thread common to us all, linking life together as one."

According to esoteric philosophy, death injures the heart chakra. Folding inwardly, this prevents any healing energy from reaching the soul and aiding in recovery. The withholding of feelings retards rather than activates the healing and emotional / spiritual growth that can be achieved through allowing the hurt and pain to be expressed.

There are many avenues for releasing grief. I found my personal diary a true friend, the act of writing therapeutic as a form of letting go. Talking with someone who has been through a close loss can be invaluable. Seeing a counsellor, minister, clairvoyant or spiritual teacher is also a healing process. This can minimize negative feelings by establishing an understanding about death. Sharing those tumultuous inner feelings gives you more of a perspective and allows an acceptance to develop as built-up stress is given vent.

There is no way the grieving process can be hastened. Suppression delays, forming a numb, unresolved lump in the psyche which will prevent any emotional, mental and spiritual growth as well as blocking the ability to give and receive love. It is important not to deny the expression of grief, to accept each person heals at their own pace, and to have patience.

"Facing death, especially from a front row seat, involves facing your own death, your own mortality."

Friends can show their concern by listening and being available. “You’ll get over it” platitudes are tiresome tokens, revealing lack of understanding. What the bereaved mostly need is to talk out their intense feelings to a caring, sympathetic listener; to talk about how they are or aren't coping, without advice. The last thing they need is to be told how they should be feeling or acting or thinking. It is distressing enough to be coming to terms with grief without being told of another's concept of how you should be reacting. Acceptance is more important than admonitions.

I believe we all have a Higher Self that guides us to experiences for our own good. The process of growth Pete had engendered, albeit painful, has blossomed into a richer, more appreciative and compassionate outlook towards the world and my place in it. Life has meaning, but that meaning comes from within. "There is no negativity, only experience and growth." I bless Pete's death and the healing crisis it brought.

"Every obstacle blessed and passed

will bring you closer to perfect harmony, joy and peace with all."

Death is renewal, for you and your loved one. The realization dawns there is no separation; and your loving thoughts are reaching their destination. Remember that all works out for the Highest Good, you're just not tall enough to see what it is yet. And the next time somebody says "good grief!" just smile a little smile and inwardly reply "that's so true!"

Quotations are from my personal journal.

Resources:

"Sunrise" by White Eagle

"On Death And Dying" by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Post Script.

Fourteen years later and the pain of Pete's death is still present - or rather, to be more accurate, it is the physical loss of my loved friend - his absence in my life, that still affects me. It's tucked away in a secret compartment deep in my heart. I come across it now and again, or I'll dig it out and if I look at it long enough I cry, especially when I see or speak with his siblings. The pain never goes, but it does get easier. He never goes either – sometimes I sense him, or a radio station will play his favourite songs back-to-back, that sorta thing! One day, I know, the time will come when he will greet me on the other side, and what a reunion that will be! I just wanted to share this last bit with you and wish you many blessings through the dark stages of grief, if this is where you are right now – from my heart.

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